when life sucks

The first of the following quotes I discovered in Allison's blog. (Thank you, Al!) The second is from a book I recently read and commented on.

Both of these quotes resonate with me in a powerful way--especially because many recent aspects of my life have felt, to put it bluntly, unbearable. That I am

still here
still more than functional
still optimistic

is a testament to the activeness of God

in my life
in my surroundings
in my heart.


Somehow, he keeps me singing.


And, without further ado, the illuminating and encouraging thoughts of other women:

"Never, ever in our wait, is God inactive. NEVER. We have got to trust that if ever he puts a stay on something, if ever he has put a hold on something, if ever he has called us to wait upon Him: SOMETHING is up. Something is happening in the heavenlies. There is someway that things on earth are coming into the will of the things in Heaven. And we have got to trust Him.
"...When we wait upon a person, a thing, an event, we will lose; but if you're waiting on the Lord, you will renew your strength..."
--Beth Moore
"Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman"

"And he said--gently--that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born--and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible.
"I believe this to be true. And I especially believe it when other people's things are breaking down."
--Anne Lamott
"Traveling Mercies"


I, too, believe these things to be true. God in heaven, I believe these things to be true. You haven't given up on me, that much is clear. Neither will I give up on you. This, I swear.

a few items of randomness

I have really been enjoying getting books from the library.

Also, I like to read them.

I think this is positively lovely. It's nice to know that there's a guy out there who just wants to make a girl's day go better. To that anonymous gentleman: You know a lot about women. Don't forget. :o)

Yesterday, I got to witness the power of prayer working in the life of a 6-year-old girl suffering from cherubism. A scheduled 6-hour surgery that only took an hour-and-a-half, and she got to go home today. God is good.

Our TV is broken, and we haven't gotten to watch this week's episode of Lost yet. I am in mourning.

I plan to factor the purchase of the "Twilight" DVD into our budget for April, and I plan to purchase said DVD on April 1st--no fooling.

Today, I heard two fish stories--one big, one little--and they both made me laugh.

Today, I remembered that Jim Carrey is the reason I didn't like "Batman Forever." I have enjoyed Carrey's performances in (a couple of) other films, but his "Riddler" in BF is just tasteless.

Christian Bale is my favorite Batman, hands down.

I miss seeing Chris O'Donnell in movies.

I really don't care what any radio dj looks like without his glasses.

It was a blast to spend the afternoon of Janine's birthday with her. I miss my Saxony friends.

I would like to live somewhere with a yearlong temperature between 68 and 80 degrees Fahrenheit.

If either my brain or my consciousness were somehow transplanted/transferred into a man's body, I don't think I'd be able to walk.

Hey, Germans: Do any of you remember "Knuffelbunte"? I had a pink one when I was a kid.

I started a painting in January, and I haven't finished it.

People have been asking me lately if I have lost weight, and I have answered "yes," and I have liked it.

I'm going to stop writing this and go to bed now.

why you don't have enough money...and more important things

I just read this great quote about financial wisdom, so I thought I'd share it here:

"While your job doesn't necessarily need to be your dream job, you need to enjoy it. If you choose a job you don't like just for the money, you'll likely spend all that extra cash trying to relieve the stress of doing work you hate."
--Jeffrey Strain
"10 (More) Reasons You're Not Rich"
thestreet.com


I believe this is one reason so many people

shop to make themselves feel better
buy stuff they don't need
own stuff they never use
want more and more stuff
have credit card debt
can't get rid of their stress
feel as though they're stuck in a life they don't want
etc.

God built certain skills, talents, abilities, and passions into each of us. I believe that most humans do things with their lives that don't accord with their skills, talents, abilities, and passions. And I believe that's why so many people are so miserable (aside, of course, from the fact that many don't have God in their lives in the first place): They have chosen a life that doesn't correspond with what God has designed into them individually.

What are your dreams? What are your passions? Whatever they are, God has built them into you, and he has provided you with right ways to follow them. (*Right* by his definition, not according to human standard.) He has created you in his image: He followed his passions by creating the universe and all the diverse life in it, he wants you to follow your passions, too.

important kilometerstone

Ten years ago right now, Ed and I were sitting in Chili's (for my German readers: it's a sort of Tex-Mex restaurant), eating supper. We had just left our wedding reception and gone to our hotel, only to realize that we'd had nothing to eat but cake and punch since lunch. (It would be years, however, before we realized that we were poets and didn't know it.) Figuring that the rest of the, er, evening would go better if we had something to eat, we took refuge at Chili's--Ed in his tux, I in my blue evening gown.

It's weird to think that we've been married ten years. I don't feel old enough to have been married ten years! I remember being a teen and thinking that people who'd been married this long seemed really old--not in a decrepit sense, but so much wiser and more sophisticated than I.

I guess I don't feel wise or sophisticated enough to have been married ten years.

Whatever that means. ;o)

It hasn't been ten years of so-called "wedded bliss." I don't believe such a thing exists. We've had our troubles, our infuriatings, our upsets, our hair-rip-outs. There've been times neither of us was happy.

Such is marriage.

Is it worth it?

Beyond doubt, it is.

Last Sunday, Rob preached a sermon about marriage, and he said something that I think might be the most significant statement about human relationships I have ever heard:

God designed marriage not so much to make us happy as to make us holy.

Marriage has taught Ed and me patience, self-sacrifice, respect, mercy, compassion, honor, courage, exhilaration, commitment. Perhaps we could have learned these elsewhere--and perhaps not. Perhaps God knew that we needed each other and our shared experiences in order to learn these things.

And there's more to learn. There are more *new* things to learn (especially if/when we have kids!). We're not finished--we've barely scratched the surface, chipped the tip of the iceberg, shaved the top layer off the cliche. ;o)

Ten years is but a small step (my grandparents celebrated 68 this August!). I hope and pray that God will bless us with at least ten more years of life, so that we can take another step. Another ten after that, another step. I'm thankful that Ed will be at my side for as many steps as God wants us to take.

I love you, honey!

great quote

"I was certain that God had a greater purpose for me, and I prayed every day for Him to reveal it to me. At first I was expecting Him to show me my entire future all at once--maybe with a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder thrown in for good measure. But I came to learn that God never shows us something we aren't ready to understand. Instead, he lets us see what we need to see, when we need to see it. He'll wait until our eyes and hearts are open to Him, and then when we're ready, He will plant our feet on the path that's best for us...but it's up to us to do the walking."

--Immaculée Ilibagiza
"Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust"

barbeque-bolstered blatherings

So. Me, I'm up past my bedtime. Yes, shocking as I know it is, I have had a self-imposed bedtime lately. My eventual goal is to be in bed early enough, regularly enough, so as to be able to start my day no later than 7:30 a.m. Some of you, reading this, won't believe that's possible for me to accomplish. But, you naysayers, heed me well: During spring and summer of 2007, I was up nearly every weekday morning at 7:15, and outside running by 7:30. There's no reason I can't work back up to that. I've already been running three times within the last week.

I would've gone this morning, too, but the high Oklahoma wind whistling through my window deterred me. Instead, during the course of my day, I maneuvered furniture around the apartment again and dismantled, moved, and reassembled my 200 lb. desk for the third time.

What started this tangent? Oh yes, my current state of staying-up-late-ness. This evening, Ed and I moseyed across the street to try out this little barbeque joint we've been admiring over the last few weeks. It was yummy (though I'll order Ed's catfish next time instead of the processed turkey meat I so erroneously saw fit to consume), I ate too much, and now I am still digesting. My system is so weird and slow. Other people can eat a big meal and feel fine an hour later; me, I feel full and bloated and gross more than five hours later (i.e. *now*).

Sometimes, if I go to bed on a full stomach after eating too much, I wake up in the middle of the night and have one of my bizarre passing-out spells on the floor of the bathroom. The last one was....when? a few months ago, I think? It was in Dresden, anyway. Ed had to carry me to the bathroom in the middle of the night because I couldn't stand up (there was more involved here than possible loss of consciousness, but believe me, you don't want the gory details) while Randy blazed a trail for us by opening all the doors wide enough for Ed to move through quickly. Thankfully, I didn't pass out at this time

("She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time...The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you look nervous." ;o)

but it was only because Ed was talking to me, and the tile floor I lay on was so cold, giving me something to concentrate on. God watches over me, because I have never had one of these spells when I was alone. I don't know how I would get through one of these without someone with me, helping me stay conscious.

Anyway...I kinda try to avoid having these episodes if at all possible. ;o) At least nowadays, I have a vague inkling of a conceptual hypothesis of what might bring them on: It usually seems to be connected to digestive issues; and sometimes, specifically, to overeating in the evenings. So, a logically thinking person might assume that I would avoid overeating in the evenings. Well, I generally try to avoid overeating at all times. Especially during the evenings.

But sometimes, I am stupid. Sometimes, I forget. Times like tonight.

So here I am at one o'clock in the morning, rambling incoherently into my blog about indigestion and passing out, waiting for my body to let me know it's okay to go to bed. I think it'll need about half an hour more. Don't ask me how I know; it just feels that way.

Have fun storming the castle!

brief thoughts before starting a new chapter

Yes, I am awake, even though I have to get up in three hours and so should be sleeping right now. I had intended to put down just a few thoughts before this new adventure begins, but now that I sit down to write, I find that I can't. I'm too tired, I can't think, I'm anticipating tomorrow (with sadness and with excitement), and I can't be coherent right now.

But still, I wanted to write something, so I guess this is the something. My note to my future self is this: God has a plan for everything, his plan is always right, and his plan is always what works best.

Even if it hurts at the time. Sometimes, *especially* if it hurts.

In the book of my life are many finished chapters. Tomorrow, I am beginning a new one. Someday, it too will be finished. Right now, in spite of my sadness and -other-emotions-too-complex-to-describe-right-now, I am eager to put the period on the last sentence of the chapter I have just finished, and I am eager to begin the next chapter. But I do acknowledge and respect the fact that this next new chapter will end someday; it too is temporary, fleeting.

I find permanence only in God. He has put my name in a book that will never, ever end.

'you gotta ac-cen-tuate the positive...' /singing

No, I don't *really* have time to do this......but I found the idea on Patricia's blog and thought that even though time is running swiftly through my fingers, I *need* to take the time to do this. It's a little 'spoonful of sugar' that will help improve my attitude, lower my stress level, and remind me to stay positive in the near future.

Okay, so here goes:

10 Things That Recently Made Me Happy

(...Although, overly analytical as I am, I must note that I know nothing can "make" me happy; nothing has that power; the way it really works is that I choose how I react to things and people; my emotions are within my own realm of responsibility. Sorry for the psychological tangent, but I needed to go off on it for my own benefit. ;o) /tangent

Take 2!

10 Things To Which I Recently Reacted In A Most Positive Manner (lol, much eye-rolling) ;oD

In random order....

1. Spending time with lots of sisters at the Ladies' Retreat in Filzmoos, Austria.
1b. Recording with the "5 Sächsy Angels"! ;oD
2. Talking with Matt and Ben, 2 Vienna students who stayed with us last weekend.
3. Allison's email telling me that she enjoyed our talks in Filzmoos.
4. Elsa's statement that Jim isn't lost; we know exactly where he is.
5. Hearing that God had worked things out for Van, Ja-9 and Isa for their university studies.
6. Remembering how much I enjoy autumn.
7. Hearing how much friends and family in Oklahoma are looking forward to seeing us soon.
8. Realizing yet again that God is always there for me and is working to take care of me, especially 'behind-the-scenes' where I am not able to see.
9. Being part of Alex and Barbara's wedding with loved ones and seeing old friends!
10. The privilege of being in a position where I can watch the spiritual growth of people I care about a lot.

And lots of other things too numerous to list. There are so many happy things in life, if we'll only take the time to think about them honestly and write them down.

God is faithful

Well, only a few minutes, and I am already posting something non-moving-related. But for good reason.

Ed and I just got a call that Jim Springer, our dear friend and Christian brother, died just a few minutes ago. We knew this was coming, but it's still a terrible blow. "A terrible blow"--what a terrific understatement. I don't have the right words to describe what's going through my mind and heart right now. But "a terrible blow" is the very least of it.

Jim has been Ed's mentor for 11 years and mine for about 4. In a way, Jim and his wife Elsa have been another set of parents for the two of us. We just saw him in July, when we took part in another of the Springers' ETM classes. God works in amazing ways, because to me, this was the most helpful, challenging, and valuable ETM class I've been in. I feel so privileged and encouraged to have benefited from Jim's teaching one last time.

Early September was the first hint that anything was wrong. Jim was diagnosed with cancer about three weeks ago.

I think maybe that is why this is such a huge shock. Nobody saw this coming. And yet, this is how reality is: None of us have a guarantee of tomorrow. Jim's situation was not unique; that could have been any one of our spouses; it could be any one of us. What a strong reminder this is that each of us needs to be prepared.

Jim was prepared. In her last email, Elsa said he was happy to be going home. He was excited about the next step he would take. Now he has taken it, and in my heart, sadness is accompanied by thanksgiving. For over a week now, since the German churches learned how serious Jim's condition was, we have all been praying that Jim would not suffer. God has answered our prayers in the grandest way possible, by sparing Jim the suffering and by taking him to a perfect place.

Death isn't the worst thing that can happen. We humans usually believe that, but it is a lie. The worst thing that can happen is for a human's life to end before that human has entered into a covenant relationship with God. Jim had that covenant relationship, and now he's home. Even in our grief, we certainly don't begrudge him that.

If you're the kind of person who prays, pray for Elsa. Pray for Jim's daughters, sons-in-law, and grandchildren. Pray for the family and friends who are still here. Pray for the German churches, who have been blessed through Jim for more than 30 years. Pray for us, because we miss him.

signs of life

Yo. I thought I'd give a quick run-down of the goings-on around here.

Last week, finished up our yearly 6-week Let’s Start Talking campaign.
Had a great team this year: Bekah, Erin, and Greta, who are/were students at Pepperdine.
Lemme tell ya, they rock the LST world.
They really swing the LST verge, if you will.
Or even if you won’t.
;o)
I won’t say too much here about the positive, encouraging effect the three of them had on me while they were here.
They already know. :o)
But they were part of helping me through a rough spot a few weeks ago.
God showed himself to me through them, right at a time when I needed it.

During the last five days, toured Chemnitz schools and marketplace with singing campaign from Oklahoma Christian.
This is the campaign that led Ed and me to Chemnitz.
And April and Clint.
And Karen.
And Stoltes and Carrolls and Martins to Dresden.
And a plethora of other people to other places in Europe.
And a whole kit ‘n’ caboodle of other people on short-term missions worldwide.
All thanks to two amazing people, Clyde and Gwen Antwine, just serving God where and when and as they can.
I can’t describe how much these two people mean to me.

Anyway, Clyde and Gwen (aka Dad and Mom/Queenie) are in Dresden for a few weeks, and they came to hear the campaign group (with us Chemnitzers) sing last night.
155 in the audience.
80 guests.
Clyde and Gwen led a standing ovation and made me cry.
We had two encores.
It was great.
People told us that they could see our love for God in our faces when we sang.
He definitely had the hearts and voices of our whole group in his hand.

Trying to keep up with the campaigners has shown me I am no longer 20.
This is a rather disturbing realization.
But I wasn’t too bright when I was 20.
So I still think 30 is pretty cool.

I’d like to write more, because a lot has been going on in my head/heart, but I don’t have time.
This is a weird blopgost.
But it was fun to write.
Gret’s “staccato” email inspired it.
I’m looking forward to some downtime this coming week.
But I’m also enjoying all the hullabaloo of late.
:o)

lotsa update-type-stuff

Did you know that on a 4-year-old laptop, it takes more than three hours to zip-compress 5.1 GB of digital pictures? I didn't know that until I started the process more than three hours ago. I store every current year's digital pics on my external hard drive. At the end of every year, I move the pics from the hard drive to a DVD, thereby freeing up hard drive space. This year, I'm a bit behind. I only just got around to working with year 2006 pics this morning. And now the eternal wait for compression. I can't believe that in one year, I took more digital pictures than can fit onto a 4.7 GB DVD-R. Good grief.

By the way, the laptop's name is Frodo. The external hard drive's name is Andromeda.

I really don't have much of a purpose in writing this current blogpost (or "blopgost" as I like to call them), except for the fact that I know I haven't blogged anything in a few weeks, and I'm waiting waiting waiting for Andromeda to do her thing.

Here's something funny: My mom brought me a box of old letters that I had saved. In it was a card from Susan Morris, who worked with the Chemnitz church with the Sullivans in the mid '90s. This was before I'd ever even heard of Chemnitz, and I certainly had no clue who the Sullivans were. Susan came to visit the church in Frankfurt in late 1994 or early 1995, when I was 17 years old. I met her briefly, and I vaguely remember speaking with her. Now, twelve years later, I re-read a card she sent to my mom. I never even suspected that one day, I would be living and working where she lived and worked. When I first saw the card again, I was amused by it but decided to toss it with the rest of the old letters. But now I've changed my mind. I'm going to stick it in my journal and keep it as a reminder of how God's plans are so much different from and so much more fulfilling than my own. It's funny and fascinating how he works out my life.

Pippin is lying next me, asleep, curled up into a ball, and snoring.

I am currently possessed of a grand sense of accomplishment. For four years, I have been working on a series of Bible lessons on some of the basics of Christian life and faith. (These are lessons that my friend James asked me to write once-upon-a-time. So even though I doubt I'll ever have the opportunity to study them with him, I at least have him to thank for putting the idea into my head.) The lessons themselves, barring revisions, have been finished for a long time. But for over a year now (or two years? can't remember), I've been working on a Teacher's Guide for these lessons. Yesterday, in a thrilling flurry of hunt-and-peck typing, I finally finished the Teacher's Guide! The lessons themselves cover more than 100 pages, and the Teacher's Guide is 178 pages long. I still want to write intros to the Lessons and to the Guide, but other than that and minor revisions, I am done!!! YAY!!!!!! Several people have shown interest in using the lessons as material for their own one-on-one Bible studies, so I'm glad that something I've written can be of service to someone. If even one person can make use of the lessons, then all my time and effort was well worth it. :o)

In other news, I know I'm severely behind in answering comments. I'll get to that as soon as I reasonably can. Dear Commenting Readers, I haven't forgotten you!

And just FYI, in the time it has taken me to write this post, the zip-compression still hasn't finished. The wait continues...

parental and personal health update

 
When I talked to my mom Wednesday night, she had an interesting tale to tell about her visit to the doctor that morning. The doctor did remove her appendix, and he did remove a cyst......but, strangely enough, the cyst was nowhere near her appendix. Instead, it was in the left side of her abdomen. This was exploratory surgery, otherwise they wouldn't even have known that the cyst was there. The pain around her appendix had nothing to do wih a cyst or with her appendix (which he removed as a precaution); instead, that pain was being caused by adhesions (stringy tissue that formed as the result of a past infection nobody knew about). So he removed the adhesions, too.

Mama is at home recovering, still in some pain but at least able to get up and move around a little. Barring possibility of infection, it looks like she's going to be fine. I am relieved, to say the least. The cyst and adhesions are going to be biopsied, but the doctor doesn't seem to think that there will be anything malignant to deal with.

I am continually amazed at God: his creativity in designing the human body, and his constant care for us as we navigate these fragile bodies through all the physical dangers this world has to offer. I'm convinced that it's really only by God's providence that any of us survive at all.

And since our bodies are part of this fallen creation, we do have to deal with these frailties on a daily basis. I refer you to the following schematic, the original of which was drawn yesterday by the ear-nose-throat specialist who was illustrating to me one of the particular frailties of my particular body: 

 

Though the fact of my deviated septum was not new to me, I did appreciate the doctor's efforts to show me just what's going on in my nose up there. For further illumnation on the subject (no pun intended), she wants me to get my sinuses X-rayed and take allergy tests again. I don't know what this is supposed to prove, since we already did the X-raying and the allergy testing three years ago, but.....I am meekly submitting, as I frankly no longer have the willpower to think for myself on the matter. I think it's due to lack of oxygen, since I can't breathe properly at all. There must be millions of my brain cells dying as I type/you read. (I can't use the phrase "as we speak," because, technically, we're not speaking.) 

I am frustrated, irritated, mad at the world for no good reason at all, and working really really hard on the inside not to start throwing myself a pity party. I'm well aware that there are those in this world who suffer a great deal more than I am suffering, and that I should be grateful for and content with the blessed state in which I currently exist. 

But it's awfully hard, sometimes, to be grateful and content when you can't even breathe right. *sigh* 

This will be my last post of this nature. I'm tired of complaining and hoping for sympathy from various corners. If I vent anymore, I will vent to myself and have done with it.

Feltmoss Free-Time Thoughts

Below you'll find another excerpt from my journal. This one covers my thoughts on being one of the main speakers at the Ladies' Retreat in Filzmoos last week. Just so you know, this is one of my longer entries, so undertaking this reading journey is not for the faint of heart! ;o) I've bolded certain sections to make skimming easier. I post this here because several of you regular reader-type people have asked me about my experiences....and also because I hope the process I went through will be an encouragement to someone out there. God has made me a better person than I was before he challenged me. He's still working on me.

October 1, 2005

Where to begin?
…beginnings are often difficult. Especially for me, and especially when it concerns the first sentence of anything. I guess I’ll just have to go back in time a little bit and start there—I sure wouldn’t know where to begin if I just jumped into describing how the past week has affected me. And changed me.

When Joy Pschierl called me and asked me if I’d be willing to be one of the four main speakers at the Filzmoos retreat, my initial thought was, “Absolutely not! How can she ask me this? I’m no public speaker!” I remember vividly the initial jolt of panic that shot through me when I first heard her question.

The Holy Spirit does funny things sometimes. In the forefront of my thoughts and on the tip of my tongue was the word “no,” but what I actually heard myself saying was, “Let me think about it a few days and call you back.”

Here’s where confession time starts. I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t actually do much praying about whether or not I should agree to Joy’s request or not. Oh, sure, I asked a lot of fellow humans what their thoughts were….but for some reason (hmm….Satan, perhaps?), it didn’t occur to me to talk to God about it very much. Yes, I did pray…..but did I spend a significant amount of time in intensive, deep meditation to find out his opinion on the subject? No. Did I spend a significant amount of time kneeling before his throne and asking him to allay my fears as I made my decision? No. If I had, perhaps I wouldn’t have spent the last few months with butterflies in my stomach every time I thought about speaking at the retreat.

I’m such a fool sometimes. God is there for me, waiting to help me, waiting to bless me, and still I insist on navigating the traffic of my life by myself. Will I ever learn?

Most people probably wouldn’t call my decision process agonizing. I didn’t weep and wail over it, I didn’t feel the what-should-I-do-what-should-I-do desperation. But for my standards, I suppose I agonized over the decision. I wondered how I would feel about myself if I refused this opportunity. I didn’t like the possibilities, so I told Joy I’d do it. She asked me to take on the topic "Jesus and the Great Commission."

When I finally sat down to work on it, I felt completely overwhelmed at the task of putting all my thoughts onto paper (or, rather, into laptop). There were so many scriptures I wanted to use, so many evangelistic opportunities I wanted to share, I had no clue where to begin or how to impose structure on this teeming mass of ideas. I jokingly told Ed that I could just get up in front of the ladies and say, “If you want to know about the Great Commission, read the Bible,” and sit down again.

I took to calling it a sermon instead of a Vortrag (presentation / speech); after all, what would I be doing if not proclaiming the word of God? Just because I’m female (instead of male) and would be speaking on a Thursday (instead of a Sunday morning) didn’t change the nature of what I’d be doing. Some people chuckled at that, but I didn’t bother to elaborate. I think I was trying to bolster my own confidence.

Several Sundays in August and September, Larry preached sermons on the necessity of preaching itself and on being an effective evangelist. I knew he wasn’t necessarily aiming those lessons at me….but I gleaned a lot from them. Like I said, the Holy Spirit works in funny ways sometimes. I finally started praying more.

What began working its way into my heart was the idea that others have been in my position many times, and they submitted themselves to God’s will and allowed him to lead them. Moses was no public speaker, and he was scared to death to go before Pharaoh as God’s representative. But he went. Jeremiah and Timothy were considered “too young.” I could relate to that; after all, most of the ladies at the retreat have been Christians for longer than I have been alive. What could I possibly share with them that they haven’t already been doing for decades? But Jeremiah and Timothy evangelized in spite of their perceived youth, and they preached God’s word to those older than they. By his own account, Paul wasn’t a public speaker either. But he went. And then there’s Isaiah, who had no qualms about saying, “Here am I. Send me!” I started wondering if my priorities were at all as correctly ordered as I’d led myself to believe.

On Sunday, September 25th, I left for the retreat feeling mostly prepared but knowing I still had some work to do during free time over the next few days.

How can I describe the power of God to change a human heart? I don’t have the words, but I have to make an attempt at verbally praising him for his infinite patience with me and his incomparable ability to teach me the things he wants me to learn. All I can do is describe my experiences and hope my descriptions come across in the right way.

On Monday, Becky Schwarz gave us a sermon on relying fully on Jesus in every situation and aspect of our lives. Her perspective is that when we are baptized, we receive something like a spiritual implant: the Holy Spirit, which the Bible describes as our “down payment” from God. And if the Holy Spirit is like an implant, it means that the implant merges with our own “spiritual tissue” over time, becoming ever more a part of us and a part of our spiritual functions. In our discussion group afterward, I realized that a big part of my problem—not just with my sermon, but with all of my work in the church—is that I’ve been trying to perform the wrong spiritual function. I’ve been trying to be the hand, instead of the tool. I need to stop trying to be the hand, and instead become the tool, allowing God’s hand to be the guiding force.

On Tuesday, Angelika Jones spoke to us about Satan’s influence on us and how subtle he is in deceiving us. Not to mention that the only power he has over us is the power that we choose to give him. I began thinking about Satan’s simplest, subtlest, and most effective message, which he spreads to us humans through media, through each other, and through our own weaknesses. The message is: “Without __________________, you’re not good enough.” I began wondering….how many times did he whisper that message in my ear? “Without more maturity, you’re not good enough for this sermon of yours.” “Without more experience, you’re not good enough.” “Without more spiritual depth, you’re not good enough.” Did he send me this message many times? …..Or was one time all it took to shake my trust in God? That afternoon, I practiced my sermon and ignored the doubts. The butterflies tried to rise in my stomach, but I ignored them.

On Wednesday, Kathy Düsel spoke about letting Jesus help us deal with difficult people in our lives. One of her points is that sometimes, we avoid such people. And sometimes, we also avoid God because we consider him to be difficult or inconvenient. Was I guilty of that? And to what degree? Later that day, Joy told me that one of Kathy’s brothers was killed in a motorcycle accident only a few months ago. That hit really close to home, and I felt speechless. Not only did she come to this retreat so soon after such a tragedy, she was also one of the main speakers! Isolde Neumann, who lost her husband to cancer last year, was also there, and led one of the discussion groups. I thought that if these amazing women could put such losses behind them, even for a few days, in order to spread the word of God, then surely I could put my doubts aside and do the same. I felt ashamed of my unbelief, my lack of trust in God. After all, if he didn’t think I could do it, he wouldn’t put me in this situation.

When I stood up to speak on Thursday morning, I still had butterflies. But they weren’t as active or numerous as I’d expected. The week had been full of encouragements and you-can-do-its from my sisters at the retreat, and I knew that they were glad I was there. I knew that they were praying for me. As I started speaking, I still felt nervous…..but after a few minutes, the nervousness faded away, and all that was left was this amazing energy! I know that all of my preparation at home was vitally important for speaking that day….but more important, I believe, was the preparation that had gone on the few days before I spoke. At home, God helped me do all the technical preparation, and he did some spiritual work on me. But the bulk of the spiritual preparation occurred during the first few days of the retreat.

When I first heard that mine would be the last sermon of the week, I was mortified, thinking that I’d have to live up to the example of the speakers who came before me. But in retrospect, I understand that God knew what he was doing. He knew that I’d need those days of spiritual preparation and anticipation.

As I spoke, I looked out at the faces of my Christian sisters before me, and I saw their reactions on their faces. I remember thinking, “Hey, they’re hearing what I’m saying, it makes sense to them, and they’re responding to it. How did that happen?” The key, of course, is that it didn’t just happen. Though I’m not Pentecostal/charismatic in the least, I’ll say that I’m convinced that the Holy Spirit was working in me. The reactions of the listeners were the Holy Spirit working in them. And it all happened through the word of God. I quoted Isaiah 55:10-11, in which God says that his word will never return to him empty. What I witnessed at the retreat—in myself and in others—was God’s word, returning to him in the ways that please him, according to scripture.

I think that as I spoke, I let go, letting him be the hand and myself be the tool. I don’t know if I’ll be able to let go like that again, the next time I’m in an evangelistic situation. But I will try, and I know that God will be there to guide me. After my sermon, so many women—including all of those whom I respect greatly and keep in a special place in my heart—they all told me what a wonderful job I did and that I looked calm and confident and poised as I spoke, a natural public speaker. I told them that I could hardly believe that—but if the message was in any way effective, it was the work of the Lord, not me. Several of them mentioned that they were encouraged and inspired by my words on evangelizing. I tried to be polite and thank them but at the same time take no credit. I was only thankful that God’s word was doing what he designed it to do.

Last week, I told Ed that if anyone asked me to be a speaker like this again, I would give them a categorical negative for an answer. He said, “No, you won’t. You’ll do it again, if they ask you to.” This week, I can say that he knew me better than I know myself. I know that if God chooses to present me with such an opportunity to serve him again, I’ll take it. How could I not, when I know that he is picking me up out of his toolbox and telling me that he wants to use me for a particular job?

When I, the tool, am in his hand, how can I possibly say no?