excerpt from courtney's journal...

...complete with original spellings. ;o)

June, 29, 1986

Iam at Church right now. And I have been thinking about something. Amanda and I were at Grandma Wegers house. We wanted to play the Piano. But most of the Key's would'nt Play. Then we said the Piano would'nt Play. Grandpa then took his 22 Gun out of the Piano so that we could Play it. And that was so funny!

_______________________________

Present day: At the risk of sounding self-aggrandizing ;oD I have to say I find this completely fascinating from a linguistic standpoint. At age 9, it seems I was regularly applying German spelling rules to English words--hence all the capitalized nouns. But the one English noun that's phonetically almost identical to its German counterpart (house -- Haus), I spelled correctly.

Why I capitalized the verb "play," I have no idea. Maybe I was thinking "play" as in something you watch onstage--which would be a noun.

I love being a TCK. :o)

me

In case I've never posted this here before....this is what it's like to be a TCK:

"If you came back, you wanted to leave again. If you went away, you longed to come back. Wherever you were, you could hear the call of the homeland, like the note of a herdsman's horn far away in the hills. You had one home out there and one over here, and yet you were an alien in both places. Your true abiding place was the vision of something very far off, and your soul like the waves, always restless and forever in motion."

--Johan Bojer
"The Immigrants"


The good news: I know what my true abiding place is. It's more than a vision. It is a reality. It is The Reality. And someday, I will go there, and no longer live restless in the Shadowlands.

book comments 8

Recent and not-so-recent non-fiction:

"Walking Through the Wardrobe: A devotional quest into The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" by Sarah Arthur
--a thought-provoking read
--GREAT DEVOTIONAL GUIDE FOR YOUNG ADULTS
--practical, daily life applications
--challenges the thinking
--challenges readers to share their faith in a kind-hearted way
--highly recommend for (a) teens, (b) parents of teens, (c) anyone interested in the connections between Christianity and the fantasy genre

"High-Tech Worship? Using Presentational Technologies Wisely" by Quentin J. Schultze
--refreshingly candid look at how modern technology influences corporate worship and vice versa
--thought-provoking
--for the most part scripture-based, as far as I remember
--recommend for anyone involved in determining the course of worship services
--caveat: Readers will need to weed out some denomination-specific terminology.

"The Practice of the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence
--I can't say enough good things about this book.
--in my mind, this ranks on the level of C.S. Lewis's "Mere Christianity"
--Brother Lawrence describes a covenant relationship with God boiled down to its fundamentals
--in modern parlance, this is a "how-to" book for how to love God--or maybe "How to Love God, For Dummies" ;o)
--highly recommend

"The Art of Coming Home" by Craig Storti
--excellent must-read for anyone transitioning "home" from another culture
--realistic, no-holds-barred, ACCURATE assessment of culture shock, re-entry shock, adjustment
--good warnings included (especially for those who think adjusting won't be a problem)
--highly recommend for those anticipating or experiencing a cultural transition
--especially recommend for the families and friends of culture-crossers

Homeward Bound: A Spouse's Guide to Repatriation" by Robin Pascoe
--another great must-read on what it's like to experience cultural re-integration
--perspective of a spouse not returning to a "normal" career path
--funny, gives an oft-needed, lighter perspective on transitional difficulties
--highly recommend

ich denk an euch

Hallo ihr Lieben!

Ich hatte dies eigentlich gestern Abend geschrieben, aber Gesichtsbuch hat's irgendwie von alleine gelöscht. Naja, mal sehen ob' diesmal klappt....und ausserdem trifft's heute genauso zu wie gestern! ;o)

Ich sitze hier und geniesse den schönen Anblick unserer Weihnachtsdeko. Ed und ich haben gestern schon gescmückt, aber soeben hat er den letzten Schwibbogen aufgestellt. "We have hübsche Lichter!" sagte ich. ;o) In einem gestrigen "status update" hab ich erzählt, dass wir unsere Weihnachtsdeko das letzte Mal vor zwei Jahren sehen durften--denn letztes Jahr blieb alles eingepackt vom Umzug. Ich denke daran, dass wir diese schönen Sachen--und das meiste stammt aus'm Erzgebirge!--das letzte Mal zusammen mit euch geniessen durften.

Ich wollte euch also nur mitteilen, dass ich an euch denke. Ich weiss, ich hab im letzten Jahr schrecklich wenig von mir hören lassen. Aber trotzdem denke ich täglich an euch, vermisse euch, und habe euch alle sehr, sehr lieb!

Eure Courtney :o)

in which i discover why i hate commercials

It's because I didn't grow up watching or listening to them.

Growing up in Germany, I watched AFN: the American Forces Network. For various and sundry reasons--most, I'm sure, having to do with copyrights and trade agreements and the Geneva convention or somesuch--AFN doesn't air commercials for products on the US market. AFN airs commercials for the US Armed forces: Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force.

So, growing up, I never saw commercials for Cheerios and Windex and Chevy and Atari. (Aye, I hearken back to the '80s, y'all.) Now that I'm an adult, I feel that most TV commercials do little more than insult my intelligence. That probably makes me a snob, but c'est la vie. I can't think of one product I own as a result of seeing a commercial on television. My instinctive reaction to commercials is: "Go away. When I want something, I'll ask for it." (This is also my instinctive reaction to salespersons in department stores, but that is another rant and shall be ranted another time.)

Come to think of it, since I grew up watching info-spots for military service, it's a wonder I didn't join the Army or something. Of course, they wouldn't have taken me anyway, what with the arrhythmia and all. Anyway, here are some of the "jingles" from *my* childhood. You other TCKs out there, feel free to chime in! ;o)

Be all that you can be!
Find your future in the Army!
We're looking for a few good men.
The few. The proud. The Marines.
You shoulda had a sponsor.
Practice good OP-SEC.
Fly Space-A.
Report fraud, waste, and abuse.
Dial 1-1-0. A Polizei emergency team will respond when you need it.
Be a designated driver.
Visit your Recreation Center.
Shop AAFES.
No "jingle" per se, but there were the warnings about suspicious briefcases or packages that might be bombs.
How to marry a local national.
Gasthaus!
Follow the chain-of-command.
Don't accept gifts from subordinates.
Life. Be in it.
Assorted food-pyramid spots.

Oh, and don't even get me started on some of the random kids' shows on Saturday mornings! Jem & the Holograms, Bravestar, Galaxy Rangers....some great ones like The Electric Company, Big Blue Marble, 3-2-1 Contact....ahh, those were the days. ;o)

why being a TCK/expatriate is so weird

I've been reading "The Art of Coming Home" by Craig Storti. What follows are resulting ruminations.

Being a TCK means being a paradox that walks around on two legs and talks (sometimes sensibly, and sometimes not so sensibly). Here are a few illustrations:

I can travel around all of Europe, sleeping on trains, carrying nothing but a backpack, and enjoy it.
I can stand up to irate cleaning ladies in train station bathrooms and sling back as good as they're dishing out to me.
I can converse in three languages and order from menus in six.
I started traveling across the world by myself via airplane when I was 15. (And I've crossed the Atlantic more than fifty times.)
I have more than passing acquaintance with the cultures of four different countries.

BUT:

I don't know how to use an ATM.
I don't know how to open a bank account.
Highway systems mystify me.
I wouldn't have a clue how to operate a gas oven.
I don't know how to buy a car.
I don't know how to buy a house.
I have a lot of trouble boiling eggs.
Until a few days ago, I'd never had a library card or checked out a library book on my own.
I don't know who the mayor of my city of residence is.
And a plethora of other things.

As a TCK, I have a storehouse of experiences and skills that enable me to function on a global scale. But when it comes down to some of the practical details of everyday life, I am often operating solely on guesswork.

I'm not bemoaning this; it is who I am. I don't feel any sort of desperation to "fix" the things on that second list. I am definitely interested in self-improvement, but most of those things, I figure, I'll learn in the course of life. I just thought I'd offer these two lists as an example of the TCK paradox--because unlike Tigger, I am not the only one. ;o)

transitional ruminations

I feel as though I'm overdue in penning some words about the cultural transition that Ed and I have been going through. To begin, I'd like to grace you with a top ten list that illustrates one of the frustrations that goes along with transitioning, namely, the fact that people often don't know what to say to us. (Please note that I am not angry over these utterances, but frustrated.)

Top Ten Things NOT To Say To Cultural Transitioners And Why
(in random order, though I have a particular dislike for #s 5 and 7)

1. How was your trip?
It wasn't a trip. It wasn't a vacation. It was my life. Please to be noticing the difference, thank you. ;o)

2. We've been praying for you to come back.
I think I know what you mean when you say that, and you might think that's a lovely sentiment. But when you say that, what I hear is that you've been praying for me to be separated from people and places I love. That's neither helpful nor encouraging.

3. You've got a lot of time on your hands now! You could (fill in blank with an activity or a job for which I have expressed no interest).
I didn't come back here with no plan of what I want to do with my life. This was not a spontaneous, frivolous decision. Much thought and prayer and planning went into it. Please don't assume I'm sitting around, bored, with nothing to do, just waiting for you to come rescue me with ideas that would make *you* happy.

4. Oh, you were in XLand? I was in XLand back in the '70s....XLanders are so (fill in the blank with a prejudice you developed while you were over there for two years 30 years ago).
Please don't assume your experiences were my experiences. Also, please refrain from telling me, based on your few months' experience, what the people of my homeland are like. Not to be snotty, but I do believe I know them better than you do.

5. Adjusting? Oh, give it a couple of months, you'll be fine.
I see. And the last time you went through cross-cultural reentry was...? Oh, you've never left your home state? Ah.

6. It's so good to have you back. I don't know why anyone would want to leave here in the first place.
(Okay, so nobody has said these words to me directly....but the implication is all over the place.) Well, probably because God created a whole, huge, interesting planet that I want to know about, not just a single continent.

7. I bet you're proud to be back.
I'm sorry, but I don't even know what that statement means.

8. It's good to have you back.
Why? You've never had more than two or three conversations with me. You don't know me. How could my presence possibly signify in your life one way or the other?
(Note: This truly applies only to those who haven't made an effort to get to know the returnee. If you do know me, and if you have made the effort, it is definitely heart-warming to hear you say that you're thankful for my being here!)

9. Aren't you glad to be back?
Yes. No. Maybe. Sometimes, the answer changes from one hour to the next. If you're not prepared to listen to an answer you don't really want to hear, please don't ask.

10. We're so glad to have you home.
This isn't my home. For one thing, I didn't grow up here. From that perspective, I haven't lived in my "home" for 12 years. For another, I spent the last 6 years building relationships and planting roots somewhere far removed from here. This isn't my home. This is your home. On this earth, I don't have a home. And actually, I'd like it to stay that way.

11. Unspecified.
Open to anyone who wants to share some of their own experiences of being on the receiving end of remarks of this sort, as well as dealing graciously with them. I don't always. Especially when it's stuff like #s 5 and 7. ;o)


Looking over the last 8 months (we have been here over 8 months--that is so weird), I can see a lot of lows, a lot of highs, a few plateaus, and some banged-up knees and elbows as we've tripped and fallen and sprawled flat on our faces and gotten back up again. I say "we" because Ed and I both have dealt with our share of spiritual and emotional scrapes and bruises...but really, I'm talking about my own transition here. Cross-cultural reentry is an intensely personal experience (which is what makes it so difficult to describe to anyone who has never experienced it), so each person's is different.

My lowest point so far was Earlyapril through mid-May. The bathtub incidents kind of set off the depression--but if it hadn't been the bathtub, it would've been something else. But I've had help. Help from a wonderful, loving God, who has sent wonderful, loving people into my life and placed me in loving, wonderful communion with them. I've had help through open, honest, in-depth conversation. I've had help through "The Artist's Way" (by Julia Cameron--THANK YOU, GAIL!!!), which is opening my eyes more and more to what it truly is that God created me to be. I've had help through a loving, wonderful, commiserating husband, who has actively grown with me even as he deals with his own transition issues.

I feel very blessed. I not only feel it, I *am* it, and I live it. I hesitate to say that I am learning to be content, since that is such a huge concept....but I think I am beginning to learn it. I am beginning to know why I am here, I am beginning to know what the next step could look like, and it's an unknown shape, but I'm excited about it instead of terrified. I feel as though I am unpacking my mind here, instead of merely unpacking cardboard boxes. I am beginning to travel light again, instead of schlepping around the misery of not knowing who I am. I am beginning to feel/see/hear reference points, reorient my inner compass, tune my inner self to the resonance of God's universe.

No matter what happens, I always know that eventually, I'll be at peace. Moving over here, finding myself in a low spot of sadness and depression, I knew that eventually I'd be at peace.

It's nice that at-peace is starting to happen again.

another very TCK rant, if you can stand it

...and if you can't, stop reading. ;o)

Okay, so a few days ago, I wrote about how I get really irritated when people give me 20 seconds of their attention, then turn me off right as I'm in the middle of answering THEIR question.

This isn't going to be a rant about that again.

But this *is* going to be a rant about something else to which I react with anger.

I'll be brief.


To Whom It May Concern--And You Know Who You Are:

Do not tell me I'm not a "good American" because I get upset when you bash Europe. To my face.

Do not tell me that I sound more German than American in my opinions. If I *am* more German, then it is none of your business.

And do not tell me that I need to decide which country I want to be a citizen of in my heart.
Do not have the audacity, the utter gall to say such a thing to me.

______

I'm done.
______

This isn't a cross-cultural re-entry issue for me. This relates to the ever-difficult, ever-present, life-long struggle of feeling torn between cultures. Even after I complete the current cultural transition phase, this isn't going to go away. I accept that, so please don't anyone worry that I'm having a meltdown. I'm not. I just read something this evening that reminded me of the incident described above, and I realized I'd feel better about it if I aired the dirty laundry in public.

echoes from the randomness

A Brief History of the Life and Times of the Winsome Wench in Her Weirdness...

I wouldn't say that Ed and I were desperate up until Monday morning. Yes, we were very, very busy, and yes, we had no downtime, and yes, we were rather concerned that we wouldn't have time to get it all done...... But all things considered, I don't think we were desperate. I'd say we weren't even frantic. We were just very, very busy. And tired. Did I mention tired?

But when you compare International Moving Adventure 2007 with International Moving Adventure 2001, the 2007 version is going much more smoothly. In 2001, when we moved to Chemnitz, we had no clue what we were doing. The night before the movers came, we stayed up working in the apartment until 3 a.m. This time, we were in bed at midnight the night before the movers came. Some might think that a 3 hour difference does not great progress show (thank you, Yoda)... But in 2001, we also had an entire room marked "Do Not Enter" while the movers were working, a large room full of stuff that we had to get rid of after they left. This time, in 2007, we had only about half of a medium-sized room of leftovers. Plus, this time, there's our general feeling of preparedness resulting from having started this process 8 months before the move instead of 6 weeks before. ;o)

Anyway....Monday morning, the movers arrived, brought their packing materials upstairs, built some cardboard boxes, and started packing. And suddenly, Ed and I had nothing to do. We weren't allowed to help them pack, because the insurance only covers our belongings if the movers are the ones who packed the boxes. There was nothing more to organize, nothing more to sort, nothing more to throw out. All we could do was sit and watch as these five strangers entered our space, went through our things, put all our things in boxes, and took them away.

I was tired. I was relieved that I didn't have to pack it all myself. I was excited. I was sad. I was amused by the banter of the men as they worked. I was nervous when one dude started packing up my oil paintings. I hovered and made him nervous, so I forced myself to go sit in the living room and let the poor man do his job. I was glad that we were finally getting this step of the process out of the way. I was numb from the back-and-forth motion of this emotional roller coaster.

Tuesday afternoon, when they started taking the last of the boxes downstairs and packing them into the 20-foot container, I thought I was going to cry. We finished up paperwork, tipped the guys, and watched as they drove away. They honked and waved, and we laughed. Then we went back upstairs. I looked around the emptiness of our apartment, and all I wanted to do was get out of there. It didn't feel like home anymore. Later that evening, when we were coming home from Tuesday night Bible study, I started to cry because we couldn't go home and I felt homesick, and all I wanted to do was go home.

Have I mentioned the emotional roller coaster?

The last few days have been more of the same, but much less intense. In Germany, renters are required to paint the apartment before they move out, so we've been working on getting that started. Today was the first real work day, and thanks to multiple helping hands, the stairwell is clean, and three rooms are completely finished. Three down, three to go. The best part is that our landlady intends to have all the carpets but one ripped out, so we only have to worry about protecting the one. We can smear paint all over the rest, which speeds up our work considerably. Yay for practicality.

Since Monday, we've been living over at Karen's (aka KarenCamp). It feels funny to "come home" over here now instead of to our own apartment. Pippin seems to be adjusting well, although she's having difficulty with the Stay Off the Table Rule. She's really enjoying the ground-floor windows. For her sake, it would be nice if we could find a ground-floor place in Oklahoma City. But that's another story for a future time.

I think I've rambled on enough for now. In short, we're busy, we're tired, we're of very mixed emotions, we're enjoying the "last times" we're spending with various people. All of this, of course, is reinforcing in me the knowledge and the sense that I am truly at home nowhere on this earth. My citizenship, my allegiance, my home is heaven. Perhaps God has led me to this rootless, often-moving, TCK life because he knows that I need it; perhaps I need it so that I will know where my true refuge and sanctuary and comfort is.

Check out 2. Corinthians 4:18 and Philippians 3:20. God says it better than I can.

Q & A

Q & A Procedure:

1. Leave me a comment saying anything random, like your favorite lyric to your current favorite song. Or your favorite kind of sandwich. Something random. Whatever you like.

2. I respond by asking you five personal questions (in response to your comment, so check back!) so I can get to know you better.

3. You WILL update your LJ (aka blog) with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post.

5. When others comment asking to be asked, you will ask them five questions.


My answers to Patricia's Qs:

1. If you were to have the chance to adopt a sibling, would you pick a brother or a sister?

Oooh, that's a hard one! I've always liked the idea of having a big brother to stick up for me, and there have been a couple of guys in my life who have been like brothers.... Not to mention most of my guy cousins who are definitely like my brothers....and girl cousins who are like sisters......and girl friends who are definitely like sisters..... As you can see, I definitely have trouble pinning myself down to a concise answer here! I guess I'd probably have to choose a sister, just for all the late-night girltalk. ;o)

2. What is your favorite memory of us from college?

Do I have to pick just one?!?!??!!!? ;o) Okay, here goes, in random order:

(a) All the time we spent in Honors together. You made it fun and interesting and lively during the times my attention started to drift. All the craziness we had together just really made that time something special to me!
(b) The note you wrote me at the end of our freshman year, in which you told me how much you appreciated my friendship. At the time, I had no idea that my friendship meant so much to you, and it was good to hear that in spite of all my difficulties that year, you still liked me and accepted me.
(c) Doing artsy stuff together! I know we didn't get to sit down and draw together as much as both of us wanted to, but at least we had a few times of getting to do stuff as "art buddies."
(d) Getting to go home with you at the end of freshman year. As an only child, I was pleasantly amazed at how such a large family could actually work! ;o) You all made me feel more welcome than I thought I had a right to be. Even though I wasn't there very long, it's a time I'll never forget. (Don't tell Bec and Bradley this, but I still think of them as being the age they were when I visited!) ;oD
(e) Can we say 'Medieval Fairs'?! :oD

3. What book heroine do you relate to the most?

You do know how to ask the tough ones, don't you. ;o) Okay, the one I think of off the top of my head is Kit from "The Witch of Blackbird Pond" by Elizabeth George Speare. Kit grows up in Barbados and moves to Puritan New England to live with her conservative aunt and uncle. The book chronicles her adjustment from one culture to another. She even seeks out the other 'misfits' in Puritan society to try to find her niche. Classic TCK behavior! Since that has basically been the story of my life, I can relate to Kit quite well, even though the book is written for a young reading level. (I've read this book every few years since I was 9 or 10.)

4. What Honors quote will stick in your memory forever?

Again, it's impossible to choose just one!

"Don't ask stupid questions!"
"She was all bust absent from history."
"Moses' Little Bake Shop."
"Nietzsche is bad for you anyway. Nietzsche will rot your teeth."
The essence of scarfness.
Dead Peasants Aren't Much Fun.
"Did I date your mother?"

Hmm...I might just have to do an all-Honors blopgost! ;oD

5. What is the funniest thing you've heard or read recently?

(a) Three-year-old Velony telling her parents in all seriousness: "Ich hab' geschwitzt wie Sau!" ("I was sweating like a hog!")
(b) Once again, I amused myself by watching the guy who webcammed himself dancing to "Dragostea Din Tei". In my opinion, this is one of the greatest videos ever made.
(c)Honors quotes. ;o)

a moment in the life of a germerican ;o)

I got this list from Allison's blog. I've seen it in various forms through email forwards over the years, but this one seems to be a little more up-to-date. Nearly every single one of these (please forgive the redundancy, but I'm trying to emphasize something here) applies to me. Read this, and you'll get a glimpse into my life. ;o)

You Know You've Lived In Germany Awhile If...

1. You refer to other Americans as "they" or "Amis".

2. You REALLY think AFN (Armed Forces Network Radio) is quality entertainment.

3. You realize that Ausfahrt isn't the biggest city in Germany.

4. You forgot how to use round doorknobs.

5. 100 MPH seems like you're really driving slow.

6. You start converting prices from euros to dollars in your head (Yeah, but that cup of coffee is FIVE U.S. DOLLARS!!)

7. Even at home you don't put ice in your drinks.

8. You never leave home without your keys, ID card, license, and passport.

9. You answer the phone "Hallo" instead of Hello.

10. You need a power drill and sledgehammer to hang a picture on the wall. (Or, if you're in the former East, you can't hang any pictures on the walls because the walls crumble at the slightest touch.)

11. You're used to the fact that there's a crane outside your house.

12. Sunshine actually becomes a topic of conversation.

13. You play "guess what town" the driver in front of you is from (HD, MA, KL, PS), based on their license plate.

14. You are incredibly careful about being loud during the "quiet hours" of 7 p.m. – 10 a.m. and 12 – 3 p.m.

15. You don't drive anywhere that you can take a bus/tram/train to.

16. You get excited about the great deal of paying under $4.50 a gallon for gas.

17. When visiting the States, you think that if you want to buy something that costs $0.99, it'll actually cost that exact amount.

18. For you, pay toilets mean there's another woman standing outside the "public restroom" with a change dish, glaring and demanding her 50 cents.

19. You know David Hasselhoff was a singer, and you think "I've been looking for freedom" is quality music.

20. You can wear black socks and nothing else that's black… and it's okay.

21. The only contact you have with other Americans is through Myspace.

22. Nature becomes its own entity for you (I went out into "the nature").

23. Martin Luther King Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day and Presidents Day fade in favor of Tag der Deutschen Einheit, Nikolaus, Erster Mai Tag and Heiligen Drei Königen.

24. You start writing the number 1,000.25 as 1.000,25 and your ones look like sevens and your sevens are a molestation of a 7 and a T.

25. Finger food ceases to exist. There's a utensil for EVERYTHING.

26. You know the lyrics to American Oldies in German – i.e. the Beatles' "Komm gib mir deine Hand".

27. You start to refer to hip hop, rap and R&B as "black music".

28. You've gone back to calling clubs discos.

29. When you think of fast food, Döner comes to your mind quicker than a burger.

30. The sauna doesn't scare you anymore.

31. You start introducing yourself with a German accent to your name.

32. You refer to your friends with the word "the" in front of their name. As in "the Valerie" and "the Leah".

33. You catch yourself putting verbs at the end of sentences in English.

34. You watch German T.V. and GET the jokes.

35. When people come to visit you, and you start telling them historical facts about the things you drive by.

36. Meeting people from Africa, Asia, and the Middle East is a normal daily occurrence.

37. You crave cake and coffee at 4:00 pm.

38. You start saying things like "I'll meet you at sixteen o'clock".

39. Bread, cheese and cold cuts constitute dinner.

40. You can name more German politicians than German actors/actresses.

41. When purchasing presents, you prioritize them as useful over being enjoyed.

42. You heat each room in your house separately.

43. When you talk about a two room apartment, the living room counts as one of those rooms.

44. Everything you eat needs to have nutritional value and you justify fatty things with "it's healthy".

45. Driving half an hour to go somewhere is a hassle.

46. $1,000 a year tuition seems like a lot of money.

47. You think soccer is the best sport ever invented.

48. Aldi satisfies all of your shopping needs.

49. All of your shoes are sensible.

50. You call your cell/mobile a "handy".