The Talkative Woman
by Sandy Fiedler
Chatter chatter chatter.
Trivial statements lacking significance. Chatter chatter some more. I stare straight ahead at the two-lane Texas highway hemmed in on both sides by sky-scraping pines. Three hours there and three hours back from our day trip. I want to think my private thoughts. I am tired. If I stay politely subdued, maybe she'll take the hint, I thought. But it was not to be. The quieter I grew, the more she talked. Then it hit me like a blow to the head - this is exactly what I do to my husband. How many times have he and I driven along with today's roles reversed? Oh, Lord, he's been sitting there annoyed, wishing I would shut up. I wish I had shut up! The Holy Spirit convicted me. I repent, Lord, of selfishness and insensitivity with my words, and I want You to change me.
"Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." (Psalm 141: 3 NIV)
Every drive, however, with my husband isn't that miserable; many times we have stimulating, profound discussions sparked by a topic introduced from somewhere, something he has just read, we have heard on the news, or discovered about life.
What are some differences between men and women in the area of talking?
Women like to talk. It is a sociological fact that American women have an emotional, mental, even physical NEED to speak several more thousand words per day than men do. Why God made us that way, I don't know. Toward the end of a perfectly good day of conversationless solitude, I will spontaneously begin talking aloud to myself and I didn't even know I was about to speak until the sound of my own voice startled me. Women, more verbal than men, use both sides of their brain for most activities and can process many subjects at once - dinner plans, the child's poison ivy, the car making a funny noise, the latest scandal in government, those suffering religious persecution in China, the success (or usually failure) of the latest diet, the pressure to perform at work, the need to reapply moisturizer to her lips, and on and on, all at once.
Men are not so. They most often use only their left brain, the logical half, approaching subjects one at a time. How novel! How boring! And have you ever noticed that men speak to each other in numbers? The hard drive has 5 million gigs. The deck posts are 4 by 4s. The airplane he used to fly was a 172 or a 182. My husband is a '49 Ford sedan, slow, steady, reliable, who will get from Point A to Point B, while I am like a hummingbird that darts so fast from flower to flower that you don't know it is there until it hums away.
What men don't like:
Too many words
A know-it-all wife or being overtly taught by a woman
Bad timing; e.g., hit with a list of problems as soon as he comes home after work
Excessive questioning, nagging, belittling, mothering
References to what another man does or thinks
What men do like:
Good timing. Of course, you often must bring up the business of living when it occurs, but sometimes you can make an appointment to discuss an important topic when you both can fully tune in.
Peace and quiet
Stimulating, intelligent discussion; a woman with mystery
Interest in and understanding of him and what concerns him
Respect, admiration, and love
How can a wife use her nature to complement and edify her husband?
First of all, generously spend some of those thousands of necessary words on other women.
If you listen to women in a office setting, what do they talk about?
Diets, recipes, relationships, husbands, kids, health, shopping, feelings. Do you ever hear men talking in the office or on the phone about the minute details of making refrigerator strawberry pie? Women in a group feed on these subjects both because of their need to talk about them and because they instinctively know that their husbands don't really want to listen to them. Because I do not have biological sisters, through the stages of my life, I have sought and been blessed with women friends. When my three children were babies, I NEEDED to talk with women about the unfolding mothering topics I was experiencing from breast-feeding to balancing housework with family's demands.
One friend and I talk about spiritual matters, current events, history, business. In fact, we jot down little notes to ourselves about topics we need to mention when we get together. Once the topics are addressed, with a sense of relief we toss the scribbled notes away like the used grocery list.
Another friend and I talk about a mutual work situation. When my 20-year-old daughter and I get together, we both spew out many happy words like sparks from a fireworks display. We have a blast.
Be willing to keep quiet. It is so hard sometimes, like an alcoholic trying to keep from grabbing that drink. I am a morning chatterer and I have to make myself get busy doing something to prevent my mouth from starting up on a long soliloquy to my husband.
1 Peter 3 1(b) reads, "if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussions but by the [godly] lives of their wives."
(Amplified) This clearly says that conduct is more effective than words in presenting Christianity to a husband.
...Read your husband like a book - his face, his body language, between the lines of his sentences. He is fascinating subject matter. Pray for an open door to a topic that you want to discuss. Like Esther (Esther 4:16), difficult issues may require that we fast, pray, and prepare a time to meet our husband-king.
These guidelines work well, you might remark, if the husband is a godly man, but what if the husband doesn't give God preeminence in his life? Even so, from past experience (years ago my life shipwrecked in divorce and God has blessed me now with a godly husband), I can counter that question with this challenge: name a place besides Esther's position of prayerful humility that can be safer and yield results more pleasing to God. Where else can God work out a woman's true liberty and fulfillment?
After the eye-opening car ride with my chatty friend, I decided that my next long drive with my husband would be special. I would be pleasant, attentive, and, above all, quiet. After about fifteen minutes of quiet, he had settled in and gathered his thoughts. He said, "You know the book I am reading about the scripture in Matthew?" And thus began a satisfying, deep discussion that melted us together even more in mind and spirit. In the right atmosphere, a man's wisdom, character, personality, and thoughts naturally drift out. The woman must help create that atmosphere. And when she speaks in turn, her words will find a welcome lodging in her husband.
"In like manner you married women, be submissive to your own husbands - subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them. So that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives,
When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband. That is, you are to feel for him all that reverence includes] - to respect, defer to, revere him; [revere means] to honor, esteem (appreciate, prize), and [in the human sense] adore him; [and adore means] to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love and enjoy [your husband]." I Peter 3:1-2 The Amplified Bible
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