Really and truly, I must learn to trust God to take my worries and bring them to an end when he knows it's the right time.
When I made my last post, I was spiritually miserable, worried that I would never have the opportunity to make things right again. Only rarely do I fool myself about the reality of death--I know that it can come unexpectedly, and I should live my life as if every passing moment were the only moment I have. I think that if I were genuinely aware of the immediacy of death, that awareness would keep me from some of my more foolish words and rash mistakes.
I'm laughing at myself as I write this. I even wrote an article on this subject: theorizing that humans are the only creatures in the created world--both spiritual and physical--who can both think about death as well as die. Angels can think about death, but they can't die. Animals can die, but they can't contemplate their own mortality.
When a human forgets to consider the reality of death, that human makes himself into nothing more than an animal.
Evolution, if such a concept exists, has nothing to do with it.
Thinking has everything to do with it.
So when I forget to think about death, I make myself into an animal.
At any rate, I believe that was one reason I was in such spiritual misery when I made that last post. I remembered the reality of death--and worried that one way or another, death could prevent my ever making that wrong right again.
Single mistakes have a way of creating harmful ripples that spread and become wider and more destructive as they move ever outward, spreading from person to person. A single harsh word today could turn into a terrible act of hatred many years from now, far away, by someone I've never even met.
If I sin against someone in this life, I want the opportunity to ask forgiveness and heal the relationship. I don't want to live the rest of my life with an unforgiven sin. And I don't want the other person to have to live with it, either.
I haven't been able to atone completely, yet. That will only happen over time, as I earn back the trust that I destroyed. But at least I received the chance to ask for forgiveness and received that forgiveness, as well. At this point, I can't ask any more than that, and I am satisfied.
Here's the irony: My opportunity to apologize came just minutes after I posted my last entry in this blog. I've no idea if there was a connection between the two events....But still, this proves to me once again that God is in control over every situation. He has a handle on things that I will never have. Here I was, making myself sick with worry, wondering if it were going to be weeks or months or longer before the healing could start in this relationship.....And all the while, God knew that the start of the healing process was just around the corner.
Patience and faith. I have so much more maturing to do in order to learn both. I'm thankful God is giving me the opportunity.