painful thoughts

Pain immobilizes.  Whether the pain is physical, emotional, or spiritual makes no difference.  When we hurt, we don’t want to move, for fear of jarring the wound and causing agony to flare up.  Emotional and spiritual pain can cause even greater physical immobility than physical pain can.  And when we hurt, we lie motionless in the dark, hoping and sometimes crying for the pain to stop.  The only movement we can make is to wipe ineffectually at a tear.

Thus, time passes until we can move again—until we can move forward again—and then, we discover that the pain has changed us…sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse.

Pain immobilizes.  And pain changes us.  Irrevocably.

I have made a mistake, and, as of this moment, I can’t do anything to make it right.  I have made a serious mistake—I have sinned against a friend—and because of circumstances and the severity of my mistake, I can’t make it right.  Considering what I’ve done, it feels selfish even to mention that *I* am in pain over this…But how can I discuss another person’s pain when I can’t even talk to that person?

So the only thing left for me is to express my own pain—and this feels like an appropriate place to do that, since nothing in my head or in my heart makes sense to me until I’ve put it in writing.  It’s a new experience for me, not being able to make something right after I’ve done something wrong.  Seems that when I’ve hurt someone in the past, I’ve always been in a position to ask their forgiveness and show them that I’m truly sorry.  Perhaps it took some time for me to win back that person’s trust…but at least, in those past situations, I had the opportunity to do so.

Now, I don’t have that opportunity.  I’m not even in a position to try.  I can’t make it right, and I feel completely helpless.  I’ve asked the person’s forgiveness, and I’ve asked God’s forgiveness.  Intellectually, I know that I’ve done what I need to do…  But I also know that it’s not necessarily enough.  Building up the trust in the relationship is the priority now, but I don’t have the chance to do that.  I can’t fence myself in and comfort myself with the knowledge that I’ve done what I need to do by asking forgiveness.  Yes, by the letter of the law, I’ve done the right thing in being repentant and asking forgiveness, both of God and of my friend.  However, I’m not a Pharisee.  And I know that the letter of the law is not nearly enough.

In spite of the fact that I’ve asked forgiveness, this sin is still on my conscience because I can’t start building the relationship up again.  It’s causing me pain because I know I’ve caused my friend pain, and I can’t do anything to alleviate that pain.  My own pain is immobilizing me.  This is still on my conscience, and it is ever before me.  It is affecting every aspect of my life.  I understand now why Jesus told his followers to “leave their gifts at the altar and be reconciled to their brother” if their brother had something against them.

My friend has something against me, and I cannot worship God in good faith until I’ve made it right again.  Unless I can make it right, the pain will continue to immobilize me, and I won’t be able to move forward.  I want to lie in the dark and wait for it to go away.  Though I know that ignoring it and hoping it will disappear is never the answer.

Maybe you think that I only want to heal the relationship because it will make *me* feel better.  I won't deny it--I do want to rid myself of this pain.  But will you believe me when I say that without this friendship, my world is a lesser place?  And that I want to heal the friendship for the sake of helping my friend stop hurting?  I hope you can believe that.

I am truly, deeply sorry for my harsh words, my selfish attitude, my pride, and my attempt to heal the breach in a frivolous manner.  I am truly, deeply sorry that I have not been the kind of friend that I expect others to be for me.  I am truly, deeply sorry that I have been the kind of hypocrite I have always disdained.  I honestly don’t know what else to do other than to say I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.