another excerpt from Courtney's journal

November 11, 2004

The following lyrics are Sting’s song “Dead Man’s Rope” from his Sacred Love album. This album will never be my favorite—it’s too “techno,” too synthesized, not enough variety to suit me. But this song has really touched me deeply. Here are the lyrics, and then my comments:

A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak 'til the falling night
And as days turn into weeks and years
And years turn into lifetimes
I just keep walking, like I've been walking for a thousand years

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow,

If you're walking to escape, to escape from your affliction
You'd be walking in a great circle, a circle of addiction
Did you ever wonder what you'd been carrying since the world was black?
You see yourself in a looking glass with a tombstone on your back

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow,
Walk away in anger, walk away in pain
Walk away from life itself, walk into the rain

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
I'm just hanging here in space

Now I'm suspended between my darkest fears and dearest hope
Yes I've been walking, now I'm hanging from a dead man's rope
With Hell below me, and Heaven in the sky above
I've been walking, I've been walking away from Jesus' love

Walk away in emptiness, walk away in sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow,
Walk away in anger, walk away in pain
Walk away from life itself, walk into the rain

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
I'm just hanging here in space

The shadows fall
Around my bed
When the hand of an angel,
The hand of an angel is reaching down above my head

All this wandering has led me to this place
Inside the well of my memory, sweet rain of forgiveness
Now I'm walking in his grace
I'm walking in his footsteps
Walking in his footsteps,
Walking in his footsteps

All the days of my life I will walk with you
All the days of my life I will talk with you
All the days of my life I will share with you
All the days of my life I will bear with you

Walk away from emptiness, walk away from sorrow,
Walk away from yesterday, walk away tomorrow,
Walk away from anger, walk away from pain
Walk away from anguish, walk into the rain.

--Sting
“Dead Man’s Rope”

Earlier, for the first time, I listened to this song while reading the lyrics. I don’t know why—maybe because I’m tired, maybe because I’ve felt pressured from many sides lately, maybe because I’ve been doubting self and most people around me lately—but as I sat there, reading and listening, I started crying. The crying turned into outright sobbing, and I just sat here with tears running down my face...

...[T]hat’s what it is to walk into the Lord’s embrace. It means walking away from emptiness, sorrow, yesterday, pain, anger, anguish, from life itself. It means that all my life, Jesus will walk with me, talk with me, share with me, bear with me. And I’ve felt this way for so long: that I’m suspended somewhere, in between somewhere, heaven above me, and the past—my sin, which creates hell for me—below me. I’m waiting on Jesus to fold me to him and hide my soul forever in the cleft of the rock, protected forever from everything. I am walking in his grace, because he has saved me.